Dilemma

I sit here thinking how it all spiralled out of control. From casual hangouts to love, and finally obsession. To the point that now I can’t even bear the thought of him not talking to me for even a single minute.  The clichéd phrase of how I “never meant for it to happen” echoes in my mind.  I think about how I “can’t live without him” and again this clichéd phrase rings true for what I feel. I lay awake at nights thinking about all the good times spent with him and the times when he would accidently touch me, making my heart beat out of control. I would day dream of the times when I would confess my love for him and we will end up happily together, and then the cold, cruel and harsh reality would hit me. He will never be mine. He doesn’t think of me that way. For him, I am just a good friend, a person to hang out with and the depression settles in.

I pull away from people and the world and go into seclusion. I try and try to get over him but all I end up doing is think about him more. I immerse myself in work and try to get away from it all but my dishevelled state of mind conquers my concentration. I am left cold and wanting. His attempts at reaching out to me are thwarted by my attempts to distance myself. It hurts. My emotions for him have beaten and battered my soul. I am broken into pieces and left to pick up those pieces every time I see him. He doesn’t know and it will be a futile attempt to even have him understand what I am going through. I cry my nights away and walk through my days like a lifeless zombie. I have forgotten how to smile, how to laugh, how to be happy again. It seems like ”a part of my heart and soul have been ripped out of me”, clichéd but sits true to how I feel.

 

All I ever see is thunder and drops of rain

If only sunshine can take over the reign

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