She seems to have a problem breathing when she thinks back to that day. It seems as if her heart will sink and she will be lost to the blissful oblivion of not having to hold on to reality.
“I am being ridiculous.” She thought while wiping away her tears. She looked at herself in the mirror and an involuntary smile of sadness came upon her face. Her face was red and swollen and a complete mess.
“How in the world did I lose control like this? I barely know him, I had set my eyes upon him just half an hour ago. How can I be this messed up?” She thought to herself and shook her head partially in disbelief and partially to clear her head. She splashed her face with water and closed her eyes and gathered herself back together. When she opened her eyes, her normal, sane self was back. She plastered a smile on her face and opened the door to step out and face the world once again.
As she walked down the corridor she kept her face down towards the floor, her mind in a confused mixture of thoughts and feelings. She glanced up involuntarily and froze. He was walking down the opposite end of the corridor towards her. At that instance he looked up and his eyes met hers. She forgot to breathe. As he passed by he offered her a smile, his eyes twinkling as he smiled.
Her entire system shut down in daze and helplessness. She kept her eyes on him watching his retreating back. Suddenly she remembered to breath and swallowed painfully. She realized she was holding on to her laptop a little too tightly and her lower lip hurting from all that unconscious biting from nervousness.
“Why is he affecting me this way?” She realized she wanted to know him. It was more of a need rather than a want but she didn’t know how to stop her speechlessness when he was around. He intimidated her, she forgot to breathe when he would look at her. How in the world was she supposed to go up to him and get to know him?
[to be continued]
She came so close to saying it all, telling him how she feels. It was wrong, so very wrong to be even feeling something for him but it oddly felt so right.
It was a very slow sleepy morning. The professor kept droning on and on about some topic they were supposed to be discussing that week. She had dropped her pen on floor by accident and had just bent down from her seat to pick it up when she saw him walk in. Her eyes snapped open in wonder and curiosity, her sleep forgotten.
“So this is him.” she thought. She had heard so much about him. He walked towards the person in charge to introduce himself, all the while her eyes following and watching his each and every move. Then he smiled, the first time she saw him smile and the world stopped for her. She felt numb and weak with shock for what she felt at that instance was so unreal, so intense…so alien.
“Hey listen do you have a pen? I can’t seem to find mine.”
She snapped back to reality and looked at the person responsible, it was her friend.
She picked up her bag and rummaged through it to find her pen and handed it to her. She was still in a daze, recovering from the aftershock all the while trying to understand what had just happened. She kept glancing back at him hoping for some epiphany to hit her and explain away the confusion but she was getting puzzled by the minute. Finally the call for lunch came and she grabbed her bag and laptop and made a run for it, trying to get back to her safe haven…and sanity. She needed to think and figure out a way to get back to her senses.
What has just happened? Why did I react this way to him? What was that I felt when he smiled? All these questions she desperately tried seeking answers to. …
[to be continued]
That state of mind, when nothing feels right
That exhilaration, no peace of mind
Falling apart at the seams, tears threatening to spill
While the urge to laugh, sing, dance and scream
Suddenly that one voice, the call back to sanity
All those tiny pieces, come back together
In that moment of clarity……
Pakistan saw a complete shutdown these last couple of days for Ashura. It’s citizens were home bound with no cellular network. It’s a thought that cannot be fathomed in this age of technology where cell phones have become a basic human necessity, but it happens only in Pakistan.
The reasons that have been given to us are to stop or rather put a dent into the terrorist planning and plotting until they figure out a way around it and go about their usual business. Making bombs, taking innocent human lives, the usual. Our government even had this incredulous idea of banning motorcycles from the roads. Makes one wonder how is banning motorcycles going to help anyone’s cause? Maybe the cases of women harassment and thefts might go down but not the bombing. Oh no, they always find another way.
The ultimate solution to terrorism in Pakistan is to ban things. I do admit it kind of worked and every one spent a peaceful weekend twiddling their thumbs in boredom or drooling over their laptops in an attempt to get some sleep while sitting on their asses the entire day to stay connected to their social life. But is it the permanent solution to all our problems? Would we be subjected to this every time a major religious holiday comes up?
The bombings and target killing in Karachi have escalated to a point where targeted victims are a body count on our news channels and bombings have stopped affecting our daily lives. We still go about our business, making money, hanging out with friends and doing what we do best. There was a time when a small gas explosion would sent the city into complete shut down for the entire next day and people would actually feel for the victims who died in a bomb blast. Now they are just casualties, who happened to be in the wrong place and at the wrong time.
Our news media is a totally different story. They find a certain satisfaction in showing us the view of all that blood and gore in complete detail. Either that or useless pieces of news with ridiculous and cheesy Indian songs to go with in the background. We have uncountable Pakistani news channels in every language possible and on every channel you will find a talk show host/journalist screaming their lungs out alongside a train of guests screaming their lungs out equally or sometimes more. One trying to watch these shows will fail to make sense of what they are saying or what their discussion was about initially because it always ends up as a battlefield with politicians taking out their frustration or personal vendetta onto the other Party’s representative or the host himself.
We always get bombarded with these remarks about how the citizens of this country are doing nothing or not stepping forward to end what is going on in this country. We do nothing about all these bombings and target killings. But the truth is this is how we can hope to make our voice be heard and try to make a difference as a citizen. Call us Keyboard Jihadis if you will but this is how a normal citizen can make himself/herself be heard, for our government and those so called terrorists to stop making a joke out of this country. It’s a plea.
It was a journey, hard and perilious
Lonely and full of hopelessness
One could see the light shining at the end
After a time of being in the darkness
Oh how beautiful it looks, so bright and new
Breathtakingly brutal and out of this world
Shielding your face, an unconscious move
Unaccustomed to the light being so cruel
Suddenly it dawns upon you, cold and clear
This where it ends where happiness ruled
You feel the smile spread on your face
A feeling of ecstasy long forgotten
A long lost idea, feeling belonged
This is the place, which is called home
Here I am at work, unable to work and my mind on an overdrive thinking about irrelevant things and protesting under the strain of being under slept and caffeine. I look around my work place and I think about how I got here and how much I love my work. I am in that satisfied contended zone where I love my life for the time being until something else comes along and disturbs the order of things.
I wonder about how I have changed and the emotional turmoil I have been through to come to this point where I somewhat know myself and what I want from life. What makes me, me and what I want and what my priorities are! I am no longer that confused lost person who wouldn’t know what to do even if it was made as easy as baking a cupcake for me. It’s a good feeling this, being able to make quick decisions because I simply know what I want and what I don’t. Not giving a fuck about what others would think of me and trying to mould myself into someone I am not.
I like this process of constant changing and growing up and experiencing something new each day. I have been given my own space to grow and discover things on my own and I honestly have my husband to thank for this. I am glad he is there and gives me the support I want and need. Which reminds me I am glad he is coming to visit this winter, I can’t wait to see him again!
I remember growing up in a state of confusion, being the fat loner kid in my class who got bullied a lot by her teachers and classmate. It would be clichéd to say I was misunderstood but it was true. I hated my life and the only thing that DID make me happy was reading and I buried myself in my books and found my love for literature. Music came much later when I discovered how it affects me in a very good way.
I never knew I could fit somewhere and feel so belonged. I am glad I finally discovered what a nerd I was and especially when it is now very cool to be a nerd. 😀 I am that person who knows basically everyone and this has happened without me even realizing it. How in the world did I become this person? This self confident, social and extremely nerdy person? The only thing ever wrong with my life was the lack of people like me and now I have found them I can’t be thankful enough.
I have tapped into my love for reading and writing and paying attention to all the little details, all those things I have always been told I am good at. After suffering from years long writers’ block I can finally write and express myself through my love for writing and it’s the best feeling ever.
And I do think I should go back to work. He he.
Disclaimer: This post is a confusing array of random thoughts that keep popping into my brain, excuse me and I am sorry if I don’t make any sense. :O 😀
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